As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! He doesnt want your help. He was going to fix it. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. There was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking. He had just gotten his first smart phone in September, and I had stalled that as long as possible, as I had feared something like this. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. But at DDay2 he knew he was no longer able to do that. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. I found out his wife was a 3rd grade teacher found her email her Facebook page with recent happy photos of them he would always be busy on weekends but said he had his daughter on weekends I saw their home address and the home was for sale ! He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. We have all been in your shoes. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. He literally had 1 foot out the door and I was being compared to someone half my age. And he understood. I need to TRY to just be positive and focus on ME and the baby, and stop focusing EVERY WAKING MOMENT on what hes feeling and how bad this situation feels. If not see ya. Then everything started to make sense. Needing him to do all these things to live up to what I want, and he feels controlled. Theyre in the affair, and they think theyre in love, and theyre going to have the other person no matter what, and they dont care. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. Most of the time, because of the kids, I acted like nothing was happening. Am I making myself too available? Unfortunately I was. You remain calm. Money in your own name. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. He married you. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. He got really angry and said I dont do anything around the house besides feed the baby and that he could do what I do. I think thats all part of it. Did you work through it? And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. Hang in there. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. That began a stage of life where she underwent 40 hours of therapy a week with strangers practically living in our home to work with her. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. You know he is unreliable. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. You are not forgetting. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. NO YELLING! After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. And they looked like fools. B/c he was planning on leaving me. Come crawling back or find another OW. This will never work. Continue trying to do your own thing. You cannot rationalize with crazy. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. He pays half the college expenses AND not just tuition. He is expecting you to give in to him. Wow is this awful. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. Yes! I say Im trying hard to trust him. How sad it comes to that. I want to show confidence, I want to do the 180 and truly DO it and live my life to show him im still the woman he fell in love with, but I cant seem to do that. Its like, do I want to be my laid back self and just stop bringing everything up and just hope our connection can grow without all the anger and just push my fears aside and stop bringing it up and try to be patient even if he IS seeing her and just focus on us getting along for now. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). It makes me wonder if he is with her, but then I think theres no way. I am a bit older than you (my children are teens) but here is my observation. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. Everything was okay. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. Bc if you thought that you were wrong, I on the other hand have read texts, seen proof, lived through this hELL that doesnt seem to ever go away. You are waiting for him to make a decision. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. I said to him you are a grown man. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. I regret getting married to him. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. But you are NOT allowing him to cheat. Not to end his A. My H thought I would just take him back after his 3rd time asking for a D in 6 months, leaving me hanging and in limbo and letting me believe we R while he was still cheating. I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. We discussed him getting his own place might work out better. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. Your H is not reconciling or fighting for the M AND claims he has not spoken to the OW in a month or so. I dont know how long he will continue sleeping at home or when he will say hes leaving, or hes found his own place, or what happens next. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. Everyone here will tell you the BS is powerless when it comes to the M and the CS. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. But please do not allow this to go on too long. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. My world fell apart that day..there is no way I had the where with all to pull my husband out of his fog. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. Or get him to make a decision. So why would that upset me? its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. This sadness is TOO much. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. It can be turned around. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the In my case, I am the CS. Best to you. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. She doesnt trust him. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. its crazy bc I know him so well, to think he doesnt care seems almost ridiculous for me to say, but when you look at their actions, clearly he doesnt care. In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. Now I have been accused again but its different this time. All the comments he had been making to me was the start of his leaving. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. He wanted what he wanted. I hate the feeling of waiting for the next bomb to drop. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? If you say something you have to mean it and stick to it. I did this to protect me. I thought we turned the corner. Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. Its easy to say I dont want him here, when hes here all the time. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. I dont know the laws in your country but do not let him steamroll you. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. Its not a M. Did he fight for you? I feel humiliated by it all. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. I learned that sometimes, as painful as it is, you have to let people make bad choices. He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. Dont hit rock bottom b/c someone in your life has decided THEY are confused and dont know what they want. My biggest fear is that what im doing is somehow wrong and will come back to bite me for being so nice and giving him so much freedom. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. You need him to be a man. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. Yup Yup and Yup. I lose my confidence, I become so angry I cant see straight. And then went running back to her in the fall. Even if its wrong. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. She was so screwed up mentally. Something. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. Our 25th anniversary came around and HE planned a really nice overnight at a top hotel. He is acting like a typical cheater. All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. You will never regret standing up for yourself. Its OK IF he doesnt know what he wants. And the next morning im upbeat and positive and ask no questions. You need to stand firm. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. It will help you and your marriage. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. But if I say that he says WE DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. Seriously crazy stuff. But I also dont want to be a doormat. Creston He had you in limbo. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. He became a different person overnight. Right now he is counting on you being a mess. They chat and text each, each night. Recharge yourself. I need to get a grip. So sorry for you. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. I begged pleaded discussed etc. I had an excellent therapist but I was sure he was leaving and I had no $ and children. Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. Start preparing just in case. None of this worked for me but it laid a foundation that I was willing to look past the A and move forward. He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. He eventually woke the fuck up and she went on to marry the looser she stole from another woman. If hes making that choice NOW when your M is in need of life support then he would most likely be making that choice 6 months from now. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. When they were done yelling she would not even acknowledge except to say Can I help you?. I dont know what to do. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. and if I dont invite him then im afraid he will throw it in my face and say it hurt his feelings. Cheers It seems that most betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out the affair fog and what the hell is going on in the minds of their spouses. He has no right to put you in limbo. But I also just hate this. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. Its all hes BEEN doing, so why do I still always give him the benefit of the doubt as if he is above it. I did it find this site until after DDay 2. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. You can only change how you react to him. He chooses to go out 4-5 nights per week to the bars and hang out with people you do not even know. And Im also terrified he will rush into a divorce, when we have both said all along we didnt want to do that yet. They always make me feel so much better. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. It pains me to think 1 year ago we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy as ever. Dishonest. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. Let him try and shovel that crap now he looks back and admits he was a jerk!!! I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. Whats wrong with me? I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. The flat out, ice water in his veins, lie. Leave your comments, experiences, advice, etc. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. I dont understand it. I said and did all those things. Calm. He needed to be shown the door. I just dont know how much longer this can last. I work out, I want to be healthy, I want to be a great mom, and he can continue living whatever life he wants. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. We got into a massive fight prior to me doing the 180, I think i told you about it, and he texted me after saying we have to end this, you are too impatient and youll never be convinced im not talking to that girl.I never asked what he meant by me being impatient, but I think he basically just wants time to decide what he wants. Am I coming home too early? She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. And the fact he never has done anything to make amends shows you EXACTLY who and what he is. I told him on a few occasions I am not standing in your way. I told him I know you email her. Much better. He told me the standard line love you but not in love with you and all that crap that goes along with it. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. I told him thats fine, do what he needs to do and ill sign. Leaving you in limbo is unfair and its not a game. We live in an area where good professional jobs are few and far between, and he is 5 years from retirement with the state. He will regret it one day. Ive had a very weird week. He cannot believe he even said that to me. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. It is fine if you decide the M no mo get works. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. You are dealing with so many things narcissistic tendencies, someone not dealing in reality, porn addict etc. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. I have no clue. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. Let him start to see you in a different way. Saturday morning laying in bed, I ask So how do you picture retirement? He says nothing and talks to the cat. I told him he was free to live with the OW for all I cared I was not stopping him. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. To help you both get back on track. I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. They may think they won. Thank you again for sharing your stories! Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. You are wasting your time. It is SO BIZARRE. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. I think the issues stem the fact that he thought that because we were in contact we were still in a relationship. You have tried. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. And that you know he is lying. Half of room and board and fees and semesters abroad and books etc. The OW was history and he was doing everything possible to make amends. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. But you man up and be real. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. As hard as it is to come home everyday to a house completely alone without him, I know i have to stick to it. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. You are absolutely right. The only thing that was happening was I was a total wreck, and that didnt affect you like it should have. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. but i need to. But acting them out is a whole other story. 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get Who cares about that? It finally got through. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. I really hope I have done whats right. You just are not reacting to his cheating. And if you reconcile I suggest a post nup as one of the conditions. Or you can take some time to decide WHAT YOU WANT!! list of deaths in death valley, larry roberts r&l carriers net worth, dave ramsey police pension,
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