It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didnt have you to tell my story to. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Everyone needs to check them out. I am just proud that I actually started it and I am making progress. But now we have an office! I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. Our Fairy RoMo. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. And there was nothing I could do about it. May 9th. Nothing is worth this pain. I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. Ill let you know when I know more. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. Holla! Alright little man. All of my friends are. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. Ryan Starr was born Tiffany Montgomery in the Sunland neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, a place where she once described as a "middle of nowhere town, up in the hills - like, horse country." Her elementary, middle, and high schools were all about "a block from one another" in her words, and growing up, Starr considered herself to be "a small-town tomboy". I cant even begin to think about a nursery. I am not doing anything else. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. That all I get now are beautiful moments in life. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. I worry about it with your brothers, too. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. Please. I got home. Im alone. Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. I only wish it were your body wearing it. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. Now I feel like I am in prison. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. Fo shizzle. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. I am a natural born mother. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. He laughed at that. A few hours later, I got the news. Let the strategizing, begin. Welcome to our new home! I am going to build something amazing with it. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. She thought we were all lying to her. I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. But you are doing such amazing things and even if you cant see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain. I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. I love you so much. Why would I want to break it anymore? He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. Because it is simply not true. It felt like it today. I might have to end this now. I hope you are safe. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. Running on the beach. Your day of death. That is actually a big fat lie. I will never be o.k. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this. Thank you, sweet strangers. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. Thats all I want to eat. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. That I am sure of. I'm hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. On Friday, 'Ronan (Taylor's Version)' was widely released for the first time as the album's 21st track For many of Swift's younger or more casual fans, this may be their first time hearing the song. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. I will make you both proud. His keys, our son, on our dresser. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. Not really. Im used to being the energizer bunny. It cannot be real because it is too awful. THANK YOU. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. She is so beautiful already. It doesnt work. I know what part of our connection is. Thank you, Ronan. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. I had a little secret very important meeting today. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. Who am I kidding. It was a boy. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. Grief. Starr was a mainstay for numerous wrestling territories throughout the 1970s and 80s, capturing almost three dozen championships throughout his career [4] including two reigns as NWA World Junior . It almost seems to make them uncomfortable. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Ronan. THANK YOU. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know Im not a fan of. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldnt be so sad because I would be holding your baby sistersafe and soundin my arms. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? To cry. I love you, Ronan. He said some more things to me that I wont repeat, but left me saying, How do you know that? Ambien won. Nobody in that restaurant, had a dead almost 4-year-old. Its starting to annoy me. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. Ahhhh! I have been reading all of your comments today. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. I dont know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. That I dont have my own Captain Rex here with me anymore to protect me. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. I told them I would look into it once we returned home from our trip. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. This is my purpose. We very much needed a pow wow session. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. It wont be the real name for the baby. I often give her crap about this. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. More than anything. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. "My darling. We shall see if I succeed this year. Today, my tears were more happy. Can we talk about when you can induce me. Ronan. This is just the beginning. And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! I couldn't take it anymore. I saw your Sparky yesterday. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. Ronan. Then perfect little boy Ronan. Someday, I will tell you. I sobbed into the phone. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. That I needed to see him today. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! Secret Plan! I love you. I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. Everything around here is really calm and peaceful. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Melissa. She also told me she hoped I was o.k. Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. Please bring him back. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. I love you. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. It was no use. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldnt ruin it. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. "My darling. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. We sat for a while longer and caught up. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. You have plenty of people who would love to take care of you. Again, but not always. I finally got your daddy on the phone. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. I got asked to lead a 5k run that some girls I know wanted to throw together at our Lake Sacajawea. It didnt. AKA-the Devil. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. O.k. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. I came home from the Hamptons, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old mans forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. Im sorry for everything. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. They are at practice now. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. And guess what else this year is. O.k. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching The Kardashians. I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, Who am I?? I knew I wanted to go there during this trip but I imagined going all alone and crying into my favorite soup. I am so glad we are here. Are you o.k. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should beclearly be me. They are both so excited. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war . Gay. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. I would have put on your sweet little pajamas and tucked you into bed with me, where you belong. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. I think its really long and Im too sad, to continue on. All dressed up. Homemade crust. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. I left the restaurant with Liam. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. It took my breath away. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. I love you, my little seal. I am as always, wiped out. THANK YOU. I miss you. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. I lived in this world. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. I dont need to believe in a fucking GOD for this to happen so people need to stop saying that. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking the logo for Ronans Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. No. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. I knew you were having a baby girl. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. Ronan. Tell me about your trip. I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. Agreed. Neuroblastoma was only touched on a few times but I found that when it was being talked about in charts, graphs, statistics. I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. Lay down again. Whats going on? Im pacing the house now. OUCH!!!! I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. A lot is wrong with me, actually. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. super-420-mom 12y. To me, this is a private time for our family. You know who kicked ass in the race today, Ronan? Im sad. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. I miss you. I came home yesterday to the sweetest thing on our porch. I love you, Sparkly.. From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl. Really? Its not funny. He deserved better. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. I hate the month of May. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. I am floored. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. I trust in you. She helped me get through the day. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. on Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? I understand. I feel like its taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. I truly expected more from you. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? I am not playing by the fluffy rules. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. I attempted to drive home but had to pull over mid way so I could bang my head against my steering wheel and cry. . I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. How much you hated them. that my New York Miss Macy made me. Rise and ShineInsomnia! They cant. Plus she says the word, Fuck, a lot which you know I appreciate. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. Yelling, Quinny! Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. Quinn just threw sand at me! Then throwing the sand back. Fuck. Thank you for all the Roideas today. I love you, Liz. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. You arent sleeping at all. I put down the blanket that you died on and on top of that I set out all of your favorite things. I do know this. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. I have a ways to go. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. I should know more, soon. I know we talked about it, but I dont remember all the things you told me. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. I called her a maverick and an outside of the box thinker.. I hope you are safe. So funny. I'm landing close to midnight. She sent me a picture of it today. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. I went to see Dr. JoRo.
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